Just yesterday I wrote about how my Steve theory (read here), which I used to pick last year’s Album of the Year, wouldn’t work this year. The Steve theory would have given Lady Antebellum yet another trophy to add to the five they did get, but I bucked the trend and picked Eminem, although I was rooting for Arcade Fire (who did win).
However, let’s face it – the the accolades should honor the memorable moments from the Grammy performances themselves. Here’s the trophies I’d like to hand out. Artists can feel free to swing by my house anytime to pick them up.
Singer Most Likely to Be Adopted by Aretha Franklin: Yolanda Adams
Performance Most Likely to Convince You You’re Listening to Madonna Sing “Express Yourself”: Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”
Performance by a Female Country Singer to Most Likely Recall Taylor Swift’s Off-Key Performance Last Year: Miranda Lambert “The House That Built Me”
Band Most Likely to Take the “We’re Going to Be the Next U2” Title Away from Coldplay: Muse
Hairdo Most Likely to Rival Lyle Lovett’s Pompadour: Janelle Monae
Performance Most Likely to Make You Think a Jackson-5 Era Michael Jackson Has come Back from the Dead to Sing “Who’s Lovin’ You”: Bruno Mars “Grenade”
Moment Most Likely to Make a Parent Smile: camera shot of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith while son Jaden performs with Justin Bieber
Most Hyped Performer Who Didn’t Impress Me: Justin Bieber
Shot of Someone in Audience Who Most Appeared Dead: Jeff Beck
Performance Which Got My Toes Tapping: Mumford & Sons
Group I’m Most Likely to Download: Avett Brothers
Worst Sound Engineering of the Night: Bob Dylan (You could barely hear him at the beginning of “Maggie’s Farm”).
Strangest Audience Shot: Jennifer Lopez clapping after Dylan’s performance, but looking like she’d rather be anywhere else.
Dumbest Statement of the Night: “Awards like Record and Album of the Year only here at the Grammys!”
Most Outrageous Outfit of the Night: Cee Lo Green (although his duet partner, Gwyneth Paltrow, nearly took the award for her incredibly low-cut dress and high-heeled shoes).
Silliest Bid to Be Taken Seriously As an Artist: Katy Perry “Not Like the Movies”
Performance Most Devoid of Energy by Someone in Her Youth: Katy Perry “Teenage Dream”
Performance Fullest of Energy by Someone Most Definitely Not in His Youth: Mick Jagger
Best Imitation of Johnny Depp: John Mayer
Most Amusing Attempt to Avoid Cursing: Referring to Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” as “The Song Otherwise Known as ‘Forget You’”
Worst Job at Avoiding Cursing: Whoever was in charge of the censor button during Eminem’s performance.
Biggest Shock of the Night: Esperanza Spalding winning Best New Artist.
Strangest Attempt to Liven up the Dullest Part of the Night: Putting a backing band behind the Grammy president while he spoke.
Person Who Looked Angriest Even When Winning an Award: Eminem
Singer Who Best Out-Sexed Lady Gaga and Katy Perry: Rihanna
Weakest Attempt at Rapport: actual spouses Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez
Band Who Wowed Best: Arcade Fire
Check out a detailed run-down of the night here. For a list of all award winners and videos from the night, check out grammy.com.